Saturday, December 11, 2010

"a living prismatic gem that changes its colour with every change of position . . ."

-w.h. hudson

so yesterday was a success. i managed to not cave and eat after my 5 tblspoons of basmati rice and chicken tikka tikka marsala.
tonight will be a huge test though. its my families holiday party and all sorts of lovely food from my heritage will be featured :(
i dont think ill have too much time to work out today. i mean technically, i could work out now as opposed to writing thing, but when have i ever chosen working out to be the priority?
today what ive had so far has been a bottle of mystic. i woke up hungry and honestly i forgot what it really feels like, so i chugged that before i could get my hands on the can of cinnamon buns. so i guess me-1 world of food-0. win. 
i took my brother to his highschool entrance exam today. im kind of nervous for him
ive grown really fond of him lately, i mean, not that i ever wasn't fond of him but ive really gotten to liking him as a friend.
i hope he does well. my dad and i had an interesting conversation on how important it is for him to get into a selective school. we think it'll give him the confidence he needs to excel in his academics.
for me, its always been there. i honestly had nothing better to do at his age other than to study and read, and honestly i love reading and learning.
he is an athlete so i guess the tables are turned in his case.
anyways back to the conversation. so recently ive been fantasizing about this fabulous life i plan on leading after i graduate: hopefully med school, residency, then finding my wealthy husband, and becoming a plastic surgeon and then settling in our fabulous townhouse in the city.
every so often its nice to come back to reality. i read an article in the post yesterday about how a family who makes 250K (usd) is considered wealthy but how at the end of the day all of the money is gone for various reasons (namely taxes, and the fact that these families in this income bracket get very few breaks). 
needless to say, my fantasies came to a glaring halt, as they usually do. and i realized i better get used to just having enough. which is really all one needs anyways. which brings me to my next question: what exactly is enough?
i feel like if i knew the concept of enough i wouldn't have these damned eating issues, or social anxieties to make connections with the "right people" or be so concerned with having my perfect little education (although i wont lie, i've shamelessly been parading it about in order to get an internship, apparently having to suffer for four years does have its benefits)  or have to  now freak out about being accepted into a top grad school. 
for the love of god, there are people out there with nothing to eat, and im over here being just so damned petty. 
sometimes i just want to pack up and move to a remote island and chill the fuck out. 
and then a new fantasy pops up, whether its being the skinniest in the room or being the most dapper mother at a country club. and so the struggle to perfection rages on. 
sorry about the ramble. sometimes i need to write what im thinking so i can see how absurd my thought process is. it helps in finding way to become normal again for once. 

current mood: pensive on the frivolous aspects of life. 

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