Wednesday, September 8, 2010

"500days of Fall"

sorry ive been so mia the past three days
i took an impromptu trip to the city yesterday and then passed out right when i got back
foodwise ive been doing ok.
monday, tuesday: i know i had under a 1000 both days i dont quite remember the little things. i did exercise and burn about 250cals on mondayy.
today: i had a serving of wild rice (310 cals, if not way less b/c i made it without the margarine and subsituted a little olive oil) and 6 chicken nuggets (180). im at about 490 cals for today and im not eating anything else. i ran for about 50 minutes and burned appx 350 cals. when i drop my brother off at futbol ill go on an hour long walk while he practices.
this is a short post but i think my new goal is: 500 calories or below everyday for fall. 
ill update on more lifematters later today.
im really going to have to fall in love with coffee to stay under 500 but it'll be so worth it. 

Sunday, September 5, 2010

" Gum chewing's fine when it's once in a while.It stops you from smoking and brightens your smile..."

..."but it's repulsive, revoulting, and wrong--chewing and chewing all day long"
-Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

i want candy. real candy.  im sick and tired of gum.

......gummy bears
anyyyything fruity and sticky and bad for your teeth. 

i have never craved sugary sweets the way im craving them now.
i broke my fast today but i stayed well under 1000.
i had about 15 carrs water crackers 210 cals, a teaspoon(ish) of butter to go with them 102 cals, a serving of cheerios 110 cals, 2 tea cookies <130 cals, i guess? , and three starbursts, 60 cals. im so pathetic i even remember the colours, because that's how much i fucking wanted needed them :(
so today i had a grand total of 612 cals.
and the best part is...drumrollll please.....

i exercised. okok, i know. duh i should exercise. and believe me for a time in my life i did. i ran, and ran, and ran until i physically couldn't run anymore. 
well i mean i could, but i was a compulsive exerciser. i got a really bad case of shin splints, failed my freshman year of college, and got the rep of being a raging exercising bitch on top of the one for being the most likely to boot her food, and no not after a night of drinking, but a nice lunch in town. so i took a break sophomore year. i would exercise but i would not make myself. i restricted a lot and reached my lowest weight but there's always been something alluring and attractive to me about those girls who are super skinny but not so fleshy, its more they are so skinny you can see their muscles. 
i went on a bike ride. it couldn't have been more than 7(ish) miles. mostly up massive hills but it took me forever. i biked to the grocery store. i wanted to eat everything in sight, because i had only had crackers and cheerios before then. but i resisted. i got these tiny tea biscuits and some powerade. 

god clearly decided to let the sun shine on me today. im getting a new computer tomorrow. i think im going to start this modifined version of the abc. i dont want to type the whole thing out, but i figured id do myself good to eat a little and just fuck this fast thing. im tired of fucking up. this plan has a few days of fasting interwoven in it, which is great, but lets be real im not strong enough to go days and days and days. 

so this week (and even though i went a 100 over, im going to just say that today was the first day)
Sun: 500 [ todays grand total is 452] oh and weight at the end of the day was 131
Tues.: 300
Wed: 400
Thurs: 100
Friday: 200
Sat: fast, even though it says were allowed 300 cals.

the calorie calculator guessed that i burned around 160 cals with my exercise so i guess i fall right into the bracket for today. im going to be working out little by little everyday. nothing big maybe 30, 40 minutes, but i want to see change. and i know anything good requires hard work. its finally sunk in :|
speaking of hard work and good things, i had the premed talk with my dad today. while my situation is still dismal he made me feel a lot better. he reminded me that there are a lot of factors that go into med school decisions, and  that we would pay whatever amount in tutoring bucks get me help when i get back to uni. so im taking chemistry this year. its official. ill have no life. which is fine, at least ill be thin. i was also shamelessly encouraged when he let slip that hes on the faculty at a med school here in the district :) 

i must try and sleep tonight. my brother has a match early in the morning and after im going to get my new mac. itll be a shame if i cant even wake up on time for that because i spent the night awake twiddling my thumbs. im going to try and watch something super boring and see if i can doze off 
tiny and toned

Saturday, September 4, 2010

"Tis a lesson you should heed: If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

- A Teachers Manual, Thomas H. Palmer

i fuckedd up my fast.
big surprise there.
i freakkked at some point in the early morning because my paper which thank god, is finally done and over was not going anywhere, i was past the point of caring, and i misinterpreted my spliting headache with hunger when in reality it was me coming to realize i was writing a paper with no direction.
anyways im re-starting my fast today. i want to be discouraged and just be like fuck it, but something keeps driving me to persevere.
today was embarrassing though. i started off with cheerios and guda cheese and carrs crackers.
all hell broke loose when my brother returned from his match with gummy lifesavers. i caught myself, took a deep breath and happened to fucking exhale INHALE disgusting amounts of chinese food. i had 3 steamed pork dumplings (duh!) and a shitton of chicken and broccoli. thankfully i managed to catch myself before burying my head into the mound of rice at least i did something right?

ive been sipping on diet coke for the past 2 hours though. i watched charlie and the chocolate factory and started cant buy me love until i decided it was time to face reality and take pictures of my body and inspect.
well for one thing im fat but you guys already knew that.
what i did discover is that im having  sick reaction to mosquito bites all up and down my butt. cute. not.
i will post a picture of myself, well of my body. it would be to my disadvantage, and to your misfortune to have to not only bear my 20 ton body, but also my face.
read: im a stinking coward, but i want a job in the coming years. 
blah i feel like i had so much to say but ive already forgotten it all. be prepared to read blogs about nothing. literally. for the next 15(ish) days until i return to uni and have something interesting, or in my mind, tragic to share.
problem areas: femur, gluteus maximus, stomachus, medius, and the most fucked up of all:cerebrum

Friday, September 3, 2010

"Sorrow can be alleviated by good sleep, a bath and a glass of wine”

- St. Thomas Aquinas

ohhh hahaha, i remember the days as a young catholic school girl frequenting the Aquinas house...back when things were still simple and good.
i promised id post when i got tempted and boy did i get tempted.
what i did instead what jump into the shower. i shaved. washed my hair. my face. everything.
im a little less hungry, but i realize the reason that this is so difficult is because i still need to finish up this dreaded paper. i dont know how i do it in school. actually i do. when im on my best behavior i go to the library right after class and get my assignments done because i know that i wont eat later read: i wont have the mental capacity to string two words together or solve x amount of calculus problems. 
i forgot about those good things that come with control. hunger. goood grades. 
speaking of which my dad tried to have a premed conversation today. i didnt let it go very far, in fact when it got in the heat of things i reminded him i need a new computer and was promised a new macbook pro! and that i want, nope not need, but desperately want new oxford shoes for the fall and these beautiful skinny black current/elliot corderious.
the good thing about having a clueless vain dad: he actually believes me when i say that jeans make  the gal. he also shamelessly feeds into my obsession for fashion and knows that i look fat in paige denim and that true religions do miracles for the ass i inherited from my mum. go him for being a pseudo woman.
back to the paper. now i just want to submit whatever. my professor emailed me telling me not to rush...dont rush!? are you fucking kidding me. i would do anything to be done.... well almost anything, short of actually just writing it.
i swear the next time on on here ill be DONE. and we will never hear of this paper again. amen.
it would be so rad to come out of the shower looking like this...skinniness, cig, and all

"In reality they all lived in a kind of hieroglyphic world, where the real thing was never said or done or even thought"

- Age of Innocence

gahhh so im finally on a roll!
i have had a total of 5 cans of diet cola, 3 camel cigs (oops), and 2 pieces of gum
thats all im having today. p.s. its actually around 8 even though blogger says otherwise ahaha
i said no to subway. no to hamburger helper. yes to thin. fina-fucking-ly.

the paper still isnt done. big surprise there. but what is a surprise is that im 133.5  its all water weight i know but its so encouraging to see the numbers go down.

every time i got hungry i thought about all of you who go days without eating because a little fast ain't never hurt nobody but fat sure did.

wooo! on such a good high. hopefully i keep it up tomorrow. i will. i must.
going back to this never ending paper that has proven to be a colossal pain in the ASS.

i'm going to hunt down ganja when i finish. it'll be my reward. luckily for me i dont get himunchies anymore, or maybe i do but i've been doing it so long/often that i've learned to ignore it. 

any suggestions for my leisure read that i can officially start after submitting this load of bull??
say no to drugs food.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

" lets start at the very beginning.."

...a very good place to start

i hate starting papers. 
there's nothing more that i hate than starting a paper, well maybe being fat 
ive got a 10 pages of academic scholarly work bullshit to submit in about 12 hours
and zero research and negative number of words written down
the only motivation i have to start is that when im done i can focus on loosing weight for the next 3 weeks before i got back to school hell. 
ive eaten far more than humanly possible for someone my size. i took pictures of my self in the nude today
i was curious.
and i am as fat as i thought id be
well not really but honestly until im like the waif below, i will consider myself fat. fat. fat.
i cant wait to email this paper in and just start dieting. i took some adderall like an hour ago.
i get soo uncomfortably high when i go on adderall binges, but in reality i smoke so much ganja that trying to live my life in a sober state is useless. 
what a shame.
i got on the scale before my adderall and i hit 135
there's absolutely no excuse for this fuckery. it needs to end. im actually going on a fast from today. till my parents come back from their drunken weekend downdown south. i have no excuses. god has practically shoved a fast in my path. i better take the opportunity while its here. for the next 4 days im going to subside on the 4 boxes of diet coke my mum brought home for me, orbit, and my camels. ill try and post my progress throughout this weekend. but first things first, as maria so kindly instructed us, is to finish this paper. i think im going to write out all the quotes then explicate read: write what i know my asshole professor already informed me she wanted to hear [to pass] in a paper thats supposed to be mine. 

i realize wishing i was as thin as you isn't going to write my paper for me....but it sure is going to make me  stop eating.
p.s. i realize i went back and edited this post. i know its not the fucking MLA handbook for english or anything, but i am slightly ocd. and naturally its in the things that dont have any bearing on my grades. 

"I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see."

-Alice in Wonderland

oh dear. i have so much work to do and so little time motivation.
1. loose all the weight ive gained back
2. loose all the weight ive gained back
3. loose all the weight ive gained back
4. finall paper
5. loose all the weight ive gained back
6. loose all the weight ive gained back
7. loose all the weight ive gained back

i wanted to fast, but its like i have such little self control. i dont even want to go over the foods ive binged on the past 6 days. i think i might cry. i havent gained that much back, 5 lbs to be exact, but i definitely have seen 130 again and it sucks. strange how you forget about all those things that seemed so dismal and totally life shaking, yeah right when you suddenly become a big.fucking.whale.
im getting back on diet supplements today. i love to pretend that adderall, xanax, tenuate ect ect ect and other shit that cant be any good for your body are not my best only friends but i freak when i stop taking them. the worst part about it is that im going back on the premed track again i shamelessly relish the idea of being able to prescribe myself my own little treats at some point in my life. i also just spent that past 2 hours looking up the forbes most wealthy. this would be the first indication that i will never, ever be wealthy. that and i just dont care. i want to be a doctor so i can peace the fuck out of the u.s, no necessarily to be able to buy the whole damn country. as soon as i finish this last paper i can relax and fast. im hoping i finish tonight by hoping i mean, i fucking have to...its due on friday.

through the looking glass, you see yourself as you are. fat.