Sunday, August 29, 2010

"the sky might fall"

...but im not worried at all
-kid cudi

bahh sorry i havent posted in a while. i just finished summer school...except for those 2 essays i just decided to not do until i got home...ooops.

so i had the best talk with my dad,who usually sucks, for more reasons that i think appropriate to spill to the loyal readers and internet companions, but it was good. there's something refreshing about coming home. and something even better about parents.

i have so much to say and fill in, but i think my past intake for the last 3 days is good.
finals suck and i eat a lot.

friday- gross.
sunday- abomination.

haha so to fix all my fuck ups, and the fact that im 130...AGAIN...i think ill go on a 4 days fast. one day for every fuck up and a 4th so i can remember how much it sucks to regain weight and not let it happen again.

for the next 4 days. 

Thursday, August 26, 2010

"nothing retained its shape, one thing obstructed another"

- ovid, metamorphoses.

he is talking about chaos, and this is exactly what i feel right now while i study for my finals. i always wait till its too late to start studying...i mean i did it all through highschool and i ended up in the ivytower... unfortunately old habits die hard.

but not so unfortunately. i would be fat by now if they did. but really fat..
today my friend said i had been looking really skinny the past week. i smiled
thats probably the highlight of my day. well that and for the first time all summer since i gained all my weight back, did i see a nice number below ashamed that 128 is a number to be proud of, it makes the old me look like a whale.

i didn't post yesterday because i was stuck at the library studying all night long. i only had 1 chicken tender, 6 ritz crackers, and a piece of cheese yesterday.yay. today i wasn't as good. i had 3 dumplings, and a little chicken and broccoli. on the bright side i didn't touch my rice, and its almost time for me to go home and sleep so i guess thats all i'm having.

i've taken to drinking MASSIVE amounts of tea. its great. it keeps me more ways than one.

my ex texted me last night asking if he could come visit and if id ever date him again.
he asked in the most annoying fashion though, "so, uh, you wouldn't ever date me again,right?"
why people ask questions when they know the answer is beyond me. i used to do it growing up, but my parents promptly disciplined that bad habit out of me.

i have been seeing/talking with The Boy lately. not in an exciting way. just in a, hey were friends way. it sucks. i saw the girl that currently has his eyes...ooops, i mean heart.....she's not as tiny as i remembered but it still sucks. however, she's got a beautiful face. 

i'm so ready to be over boys and caring, but its so hard to learn how to be actually alone again. i never let that happen after my ex, id hop from boy to boy, but i think i need to just let my emotions just run their course. its so frustrating though, whose supposed to entertain me?
this mission does seem appealing though....i mean it must, what kind of crazy would willingly learn to love to be alone...
1. the first benefit is ill have more time to dwell on my weight and getting skinny
2. i have a new appreciation for girl friends
3. i can think that the emotions are gone...i hope.
4. remember the times when we were younger and not so crazy, and the simple things in life like reading books on a friday night, watching tv on a rainy afternoon actually was sufficient entertainment.

i feel like with boys in my life (whether were hooking up, dating, just "talking" ect) my mind is always consumed...why hasn't boyX emailed me back, oh, fuck and what about boyZ he still hasn't texted me about coffee, ooo and goddamnit boy Y isn't being funny/nice enough in these chats...ugh give me a fucking break. i should be able to go the day without having to talk to a boy, just for the benefit of knowing im on some kids mind or that i caught his attention for the second.

i want to be thin. and i want the coolest, most beautiful boy to just tumble my way, and not even care. at that point i know i'm ready to start seeing/talking with romantic intentions. until then i must mind myself. love my friends and family the best i can. get THIN...oh fuck, and pass these exams...back to studying :(

nerdy and skinny, sooo hot right now. 

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

"I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had"

- the wonderyears

i hate to make this such a sad posts, but i guess you write what you feel.
i started off the day with ambition and drive, and apparently my confidence could be felt.
i have none of that left. and its funny because the person who spotted it successfully managed to make it disappear.
i took a smoke break after hours of crunching away in the library with The Boy.
we haven't spoken in ages, and everytime we do i learn something more...something new...something sad.
usually it makes me sad for him, not for myself, as my woes are certainly not as paramount as hisown.
today, however, was my turn to be sad from what was learnt

he informed me he was in love. thats wonderful! i didnt know you were capable of feelings....i was right.
he was in fact, in love, but not with me. duh silly girl, boys never love you, but fear not...
the girl he loves, does not love him back. in fact, shes happily settled with her boyfriend of years.
we had an interesting conversation. you know when you give advice to someone and your really giving it to yourself, and while your doing it your willing yourself not to show any sign of subjectivity?

and she's perfect. she's little....really little. ofcourse. and so pretty. and awesome, and cool, and fantastic, and all the things i apparently am not, as he listed the reasons he liked her and not me. well atleast today he gave a valid excuse. 

i was so sad on my drive back home from the library. writing has helped me feel a little better. i want to cry. and i dont think its because i realize that he and i will only ever be friends...which apparently i should be quite grateful for because he never.has.girl.friends.

im sad because i have no one to care for and none to care for me.
thankfully i only ate rice cakes and lollipops today.
i want to purge to relieve stress...but ive got nothing to work with.
i miss the days my weight consumed my thoughts and actions and left me immune to cares or worries...and also without friends...and as sick as it is, i think i want to get back to that point. everyone disappoints me, just as i disappoint everyone. i always manage to live up to that raving bitch standard that has been set for myself. letting go, and being thin

Monday, August 23, 2010

"she does not employ her time in making herself look more advantageously what she really is"

...but endeavours to be as much another creature as she possibly can.
-Joseph addison.

the next few days are going to be one long day. there are about a million and one other things that should be going through my mind other than my weight, but then that would make things normal.
i hate apologizing, but this summer, for all its downfalls and upsets, granted me 2 new good friends.

i got in a fight with one of them last week over something stupid, and when i actually think of it, i do not think i was all that angry with her, but more so with the situation.

we kissed and made up, for lack of a better explanation and then sat at our favorite...haha..i mean only Chinese restaurant in nowhere, USA and enjoyed steamed dumplings. i had 4 and 2 camels. ooops.

its raining and dark outside, and the boy ive been pinning over for the past few days hasn't responded to my apology email. its probably for the best though because i think hearing bad news is more often than not, worse than thinking bad news.

i wish i was done with finals. i have about a million books i want to read and a thousand shops i want to visit, oh , and zero money to buy anything.

i bought myself the largest diet tea and about 5 lollipops. im hoping in addition to my adderrall it carries me through a total of 3 papers, 2 works cited, and about 4 class responses and reflections...all within the next 24 hours.

procrastination will be my demise.

that is if food doesnt get me first. im becoming an overfed whale. hoped on the scale after the shower..131. ehhh.

i want to be this tiny, in nicely torn black skinnies for the fall...i suppose i will literally need to become another creature to get there 

Sunday, August 22, 2010

"I wasn’t meant to be good."

i cant believe i've started blogging again.
it all feels so weird and distant, but i remember it used to help.
i'm coming to the close of summer session and i couldn't be more excited.
i've become a whale and everything is falling apart.
its funny because the "disordered" past was so much happier and simpler.
i almost feel silly writing again and going back to old habits, but i want to trace back where things went wrong...figure out how things got so unfortunate.
i've got about a million pages to write for finals, so the posts in the next week will be pretty short, but once i'm home ill be alone [finally, and the real type too, not the one where your surrounded by a million people everywhere all waiting for you to fail] and i can finally listen to myself and figure things out.
i wonder when everything will make sense again.

what a shame though that normal things couldn't be good.