Thursday, August 26, 2010

"nothing retained its shape, one thing obstructed another"

- ovid, metamorphoses.

he is talking about chaos, and this is exactly what i feel right now while i study for my finals. i always wait till its too late to start studying...i mean i did it all through highschool and i ended up in the ivytower... unfortunately old habits die hard.

but not so unfortunately. i would be fat by now if they did. but really fat..
today my friend said i had been looking really skinny the past week. i smiled
thats probably the highlight of my day. well that and for the first time all summer since i gained all my weight back, did i see a nice number below ashamed that 128 is a number to be proud of, it makes the old me look like a whale.

i didn't post yesterday because i was stuck at the library studying all night long. i only had 1 chicken tender, 6 ritz crackers, and a piece of cheese yesterday.yay. today i wasn't as good. i had 3 dumplings, and a little chicken and broccoli. on the bright side i didn't touch my rice, and its almost time for me to go home and sleep so i guess thats all i'm having.

i've taken to drinking MASSIVE amounts of tea. its great. it keeps me more ways than one.

my ex texted me last night asking if he could come visit and if id ever date him again.
he asked in the most annoying fashion though, "so, uh, you wouldn't ever date me again,right?"
why people ask questions when they know the answer is beyond me. i used to do it growing up, but my parents promptly disciplined that bad habit out of me.

i have been seeing/talking with The Boy lately. not in an exciting way. just in a, hey were friends way. it sucks. i saw the girl that currently has his eyes...ooops, i mean heart.....she's not as tiny as i remembered but it still sucks. however, she's got a beautiful face. 

i'm so ready to be over boys and caring, but its so hard to learn how to be actually alone again. i never let that happen after my ex, id hop from boy to boy, but i think i need to just let my emotions just run their course. its so frustrating though, whose supposed to entertain me?
this mission does seem appealing though....i mean it must, what kind of crazy would willingly learn to love to be alone...
1. the first benefit is ill have more time to dwell on my weight and getting skinny
2. i have a new appreciation for girl friends
3. i can think that the emotions are gone...i hope.
4. remember the times when we were younger and not so crazy, and the simple things in life like reading books on a friday night, watching tv on a rainy afternoon actually was sufficient entertainment.

i feel like with boys in my life (whether were hooking up, dating, just "talking" ect) my mind is always consumed...why hasn't boyX emailed me back, oh, fuck and what about boyZ he still hasn't texted me about coffee, ooo and goddamnit boy Y isn't being funny/nice enough in these chats...ugh give me a fucking break. i should be able to go the day without having to talk to a boy, just for the benefit of knowing im on some kids mind or that i caught his attention for the second.

i want to be thin. and i want the coolest, most beautiful boy to just tumble my way, and not even care. at that point i know i'm ready to start seeing/talking with romantic intentions. until then i must mind myself. love my friends and family the best i can. get THIN...oh fuck, and pass these exams...back to studying :(

nerdy and skinny, sooo hot right now. 

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