Wednesday, August 25, 2010

"I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had"

- the wonderyears

i hate to make this such a sad posts, but i guess you write what you feel.
i started off the day with ambition and drive, and apparently my confidence could be felt.
i have none of that left. and its funny because the person who spotted it successfully managed to make it disappear.
i took a smoke break after hours of crunching away in the library with The Boy.
we haven't spoken in ages, and everytime we do i learn something more...something new...something sad.
usually it makes me sad for him, not for myself, as my woes are certainly not as paramount as hisown.
today, however, was my turn to be sad from what was learnt

he informed me he was in love. thats wonderful! i didnt know you were capable of feelings....i was right.
he was in fact, in love, but not with me. duh silly girl, boys never love you, but fear not...
the girl he loves, does not love him back. in fact, shes happily settled with her boyfriend of years.
we had an interesting conversation. you know when you give advice to someone and your really giving it to yourself, and while your doing it your willing yourself not to show any sign of subjectivity?

and she's perfect. she's little....really little. ofcourse. and so pretty. and awesome, and cool, and fantastic, and all the things i apparently am not, as he listed the reasons he liked her and not me. well atleast today he gave a valid excuse. 

i was so sad on my drive back home from the library. writing has helped me feel a little better. i want to cry. and i dont think its because i realize that he and i will only ever be friends...which apparently i should be quite grateful for because he never.has.girl.friends.

im sad because i have no one to care for and none to care for me.
thankfully i only ate rice cakes and lollipops today.
i want to purge to relieve stress...but ive got nothing to work with.
i miss the days my weight consumed my thoughts and actions and left me immune to cares or worries...and also without friends...and as sick as it is, i think i want to get back to that point. everyone disappoints me, just as i disappoint everyone. i always manage to live up to that raving bitch standard that has been set for myself. letting go, and being thin

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