Sunday, November 28, 2010

“It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end.”


i am writing this post finally back from break, and facing a week of hell studying for exams and working on presentations that i should have could have but didn't begin much, much earlier.
as the term comes to a close- this time next week the northeast will be about 350 miles behind me.
for all the complaining and whining ive done all academic term, id have to say this was one of the best
i can count the number of people friends i talked to the entire term, but the number of laughs or conversations that carried well into the night about anything and everything, are innumerable.
my space bar key is already messed up on my new macbook pro, my period is here and therefore, so are the bloody cramps that accompany it, and my room is in disarray but im ok with it all. 
i feel so torn.
on the one hand im ready to leave. honestly, im never really ever ready to be here of all places
but on the other its nice to know you have friends. for as far back as i can remember, i have always sought out friendship.
it would be a lie for me to say that my friendships in highschool were equally as mature or as fulfilling as those that i have (finally realized) i made right here in the university i detest. its always been me giving my all to friendships and really receiving very little in return. but dont get me wrong my girls from my single-sex catholic school will always be wonderful to me. they signify a time in my life that was characterized by wholesome, good fun- a kind of fun i yearned for almost the minute i stepped foot on campus and realized the complex emotions that follow nights of senseless drinking and foolhardy sexual encounters.
i dont have a group of girlfriends to take vodka shots with, while blasting the lastest "getting ready" music before going out, or to go to "girls nightout" dinners with, and for the first time since forever really, i dont care.
i am content with the 5 or so individuals that i have made strong relationships with-- all of them on a quite independent basis
while my sorority could offer me that group of girls to be that group of girls, i am finally ok with not participating and not being part of it.
i am a recluse to the point of getting social anxiety when i am put in situation where i must be social now, and that part is troubling, but its a small price to pay to not experience the anxiety i felt when i so desperately felt like i needed to fit in. i would be worried about having not only cute clothes, but the cutest clothes in a group of friends, and not only beeing skinny but the skinnest (dont get me wrong, i am planning a month long cabbage soup diet as we speak. i was able to break through to my parents when i got home. they want to diet with me and i said very honestly to them that my diet really doesnt consist of much food. surprisingly- they consented. i think they both really want to be skinny to save their marraige. i will always believe that maintaining a low weight in relationships solves about half of the problems...) lastly, i think im over the whole loss of a friend thing. im ready to come back in the spring and face him.
im not sure why i really wrote this whole blurb. im just typing for the fun of it... and secretly hoping my stupid space bar fixes its self during the process... 
but its true... its good to have an end to journey towards...i guess mine this whole time has been home, as ive been anticipating the end of term, i kid you not, from the moment i set foot on campus in september. however, i think ive been part of a much bigger journey these past three months
a journey that has shown me that i do have friends. a journey that has helped me appreciate the new ones for fulfilling a roll in my life that i didnt know (or ever really expect) 20something year olds to fulfill.
while at the same time appreciating and still loving sosososo much, those old friends. those girls ill go home to next week, who ive been emailing back and forth all term, one of which i actually got an oppertunity to go and visit in thier own school.
a journey that has made me appreciate my family
a journey that has taught me that i can excel in the sciences, and that not all teachers in this ivy tower are so bad after all
a journey that has taught me to chill, for lack of better words
and finally, a journey that has taught me that with time, wounds can heal. no matter where they originate from.

p.s. im huge. this wasnt really a post on my weight but its bad. im going to eat very little, if anything at all this week as all i really need to be doing is studying, and free time will be spent posting. im on a serious mission to reach my goal weight during my three month break. ill probably post some sort of plan (that i will most likely break and shamelessly put aside for the most basic plan of just stop eating) on here at the end of the week after exams.

p.s.s i love you ladies.

coming to the end of a road.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

"thanksgiving is happy for who?? surely not for Pocahontas who got her land stolen by those smelly pilgrims"

- my aunt.

yeah, she said it.
its also not too happy for those trying to loose weight.
haha but in the spirit of things happy thanksgiving my loves! 
sorry i haven't been able to post. i am with my family in fl.
we didn't know how to connect to the internet the first few days until my brother informed me had learned to convert this current to that current and now we have something similar to internet haha. i cant complain though, i can connect to you ladies this way.
i hope everyone is keeping up well and doing better than i have in successfully evading turkey, pies, and greens.

Monday, November 22, 2010

"The school is not quite deserted," said the Ghost. "A solitary child, neglected by his friends, is left there still."

- charles dickens

alone at last.
ive been at R's house for the past 3 days.
in fact im still here, but she's not. is it awful that i feel great that she's not in her own space?
eating like ive been on vacation- ive been going between 135 and 138 lbs. its odd. ill guess im on the high side now.
i cannot wait to be back home for the next term.
i can go hungry and noone will know.
its not even as though i couldnt be hungry with R. of course i could, i mean i am an adult, and she's no food saint herself.
but with friends comes food. its like the two go hand in hand. try as we might to avoid food, should one make a comment about being hungry, its only respectful for the other to suggest that we both go, and find something to nibble on.
when im home my brother can tell me he's hungry all he wants, and im not obligated under some mysterious "code of girl friendship" to have to acknowledge his statement, let alone join him in shoving food down my face.
i want to shed 40 lbs before i come back to school. originally i think my goals worked out to something like loosing, 30 lbs, but i want to do something dramatic.
i was looking at the fotos of one of my dearest friends. she is a year older than me  but in highschool she managed to loose about 75 lbs (50 of which she managed over the course of a summer), shes much much bigger now, shes gained all that back and then some but she made a statement the other night stuck. she said to me "even though the thought of not eating doesnt even resonate with me now, its so nice to know i have that skill, almost as if its in the back of my pocket." another blogger said that what we do is beautiful in a sense, and after hearing my friend say that i started to believe that it was. once i get home my posts probably wont be as interesting, but ill need an outlet because im going to try harder than i ever have to loose this weight. it'll almost be as if i reached in my back pocket and pulled out an old friend. 

im really quite ready to be thin. 

Friday, November 19, 2010

"If success is rare and slow, everybody knows how quick and easy ruin is."

-vanity fair

for lack of better words.
i totally soiled today.
it started off with a celebration lunch for my friend, then progressed to the munchies after 3 j's, and ended with a 99 cent cheeseburger from mcdonalds.
im so annoyed.
i was doing well, but i swear i think i have the shove food into yourself until you cant breath anymore syndrome after i mess up early in the day.
i skipped about every event i was invited to tonight. it was a combination of not wanting to see anyone and dreading alcohol calories. getting drunk takes so much these days, it just doesn't seem worth it.
the girls in my sorority house are being loud and shameless. i secretly want to tell them all to shutttuppp, your not skinny or pretty enough to make that kinda of noise or call that amount of attention to yourself. 
the reality is that even though that they arnt, they have the confidence. so i guess, yay go them. 
i think im going to fast tomorrow. my formal is coming up and im going with a completely random kid. yay. hes very tall and broad so ill look even smaller than normal. yippeeeee. 
ive been kind of naughty in the sense ive been leading on this grad student, i think he wrapped his mind around the game tonight after triple-texing me to come over with no response...ehhh.

p.s. R almost discovered my thinspo folder yesterday as she was trying to print out our harry potter (which was AMAZING btw) tickets. i was so anxious and she was so determined to get my printer/computer to work.

seriously using every last once of willpower to not vomit. fml. 

Thursday, November 18, 2010

"Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence"

- edgar allen poe

thats how i feel right now
i have so much to do/organize.
im going to see harry potter tonight and i should be so excited but instead im feeling so much angst
i feel like this term i've developed some sort of social anxiety disorder.
i avoid wherever people are, and have learned to seamlessly navigate my campus so that noone will spot me. people always ask if im active this term whenever they see me and for a while i was tempted to just say no.
since im suddenly stuck home for the winter i have to send out my resume to hosiptals around my hometown and pray a doctor will let me shadow them. i also had to send the most awkward email to the manager of the internship i had in the city.
foodwise im doing great. i havent eaten anything today and im not hungry. im going to the gym after my class (forgot to mention i went on a long run yesterday morning, as i said before, the fire is back)
my plan for today is to grab an odwalla or a bannana or some sort of protein before i hit the gym. nothing annoys me more than being sore and lightheaded. lightheaded i can deal with, but soreness....not so much. ill just have to sort out my life to distract me later when i get hungry. im supposed to go to dinner with some friends before harry potter but im going to say that my cavities are a bitch and i have a sore tooth. eh, whatever works. last night i couldnt sleep, but when i did, i kept dreaming about having thin, stick-like legs...

too bad it was just a dream. 

"her heart lived in no cherished secrets of its own...."

...,but in feelings which it longed to share with all the world" -george elliot

oh dear. this will be a long one. i apologize in advance for many things including: being so absent for so long, living to eat, forgetting my goals... unlike elliot's character,i want to keep everything inside, which is why i neglect to write but i need it. i need this blog to start feeling again, to have something tangible, where i can see my progress lest another slip up happen again.

i officially hate college. we are coming to the end of a semester and a lot has gone on.
come back to school was so different. i have never felt so removed. it felt like i was looking into a glass fish tank, observing all the fish swim by. i lost friends, made new ones. i am still very good friends with the girl i became best friends with over summer school, we'll just call her R.

when the the two of us came back we realized how solemn this campus is and how little it has to offer. we spent the first three weeks being bitter, and questioning ourselves and whether we both made the right decision to stop being friends with our best friends. the story behind that was simple. boy (my best friend) obsesses over girl (R's best friend). girl thinks boy is fat and ugly, and avoids any sort of interactions with him for our entire second year. meanwhile, girl pines for a boy to appreciate her and like her and finally, over summer school, gives into her desire...with boy. boy is elated, girl is disgusted, but hay, we all need to have sex sometime?

it sounds so simple. it should have been so simple. R and I became best friends as our two best friends began to date. one weekend the boy (the one who took me through the rabbits hole and back, nearly driving me insane), annoyed me to the point where all i wanted was solitude. R was the only of my friends to actively seek me out. naturally, i let R in. we spent soo much time together and our friendship really began to be. boy and girl became jealous that the attention was no longer and them, girl acts like a complete ass, and boy....well boy, says the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me in my life. needless to say, the friendship ended there.

fastfoward to now. R and i spend almost every waking moment together. shes beautiful and skinny, and sometimes i cant help but notice how beautiful she is. we always talk about lesbians in a funny way but our friendship is flirty in nature which is confusing/kindof a huge mindfuck. but she's in a veryveryvery committed relationship with a kid from the city. so really i've got to be crazy to even let my mind wander there.

my insomnia has kicked in because i got back on all my meds. i am ashamed to even tell you guys how i've been doing foodwise. ive felt nothing but bitterness and anger all term, and i took to emotional eating. i am a whoooping 141 lbs. recently my moodiness took a turn for the better. now i feel nothing, want nothing. except to be thin. that fire to loose weight has been gone all term long, but its back with a passion. im being sent home for next term and i am so excited to not eat and diet and work out all i want. my parents are even worse than me, so that even though my doctor complains, they turn a blind eye.

yesterday i started my "just don't eat until you feel faint" diet. i did well. R (who also struggles with eating issues) forced me to have a yoghurt. it was a 100 calories but i only had about 3 spoons. i don't want food in my mouth. i wish to never have to eat again. i thought these feelings of repulsion towards food were forever gone, but they are back and with full vengeance. last night was also the first night i smoked so much ganj but didn't have the munchies. i went through a pack of gum and kept smoking. left my friends place came back to mine, and a friend had a bowl packed, so naturally i smoked it with them. ganj has become my favorite pastime this term. not good. this, this blog should be my pastime so i can track my weight. i never feel like writing anymore because i feel numb to everything. i just want all of the fat to shed from my body. i want to be thin again. 

im giving myself until the end of march 2011

wouldn't it be nice to be so thin?

Monday, November 1, 2010


thats how huge ive managed to get.
restarting restricting today. i want to be 125 by the end of the month.
more to come.