i am writing this post finally back from break, and facing a week of hell studying for exams and working on presentations that i should have could have but didn't begin much, much earlier.
as the term comes to a close- this time next week the northeast will be about 350 miles behind me.
for all the complaining and whining ive done all academic term, id have to say this was one of the best
i can count the number of
my space bar key is already messed up on my new macbook pro, my period is here and therefore, so are the bloody cramps that accompany it, and my room is in disarray but im ok with it all.
i feel so torn.
on the one hand im ready to leave. honestly, im never really ever ready to be here of all places
but on the other its nice to know you have friends. for as far back as i can remember, i have always sought out friendship.
it would be a lie for me to say that my friendships in highschool were equally as mature or as fulfilling as those that i have (finally realized) i made right here in the university i detest. its always been me giving my all to friendships and really receiving very little in return. but dont get me wrong my girls from my single-sex catholic school will always be wonderful to me. they signify a time in my life that was characterized by wholesome, good fun- a kind of fun i yearned for almost the minute i stepped foot on campus and realized the complex emotions that follow nights of senseless drinking and foolhardy sexual encounters.
i dont have a group of girlfriends to take vodka shots with, while blasting the lastest "getting ready" music before going out, or to go to "girls nightout" dinners with, and for the first time since forever really, i dont care.
i am content with the 5 or so individuals that i have made strong relationships with-- all of them on a quite independent basis
while my sorority could offer me that group of girls to be that group of girls, i am finally ok with not participating and not being part of it.
i am a recluse to the point of getting social anxiety when i am put in situation where i must be social now, and that part is troubling, but its a small price to pay to not experience the anxiety i felt when i so desperately felt like i needed to fit in. i would be worried about having not only cute clothes, but the cutest clothes in a group of friends, and not only beeing skinny but the skinnest (dont get me wrong, i am planning a month long cabbage soup diet as we speak. i was able to break through to my parents when i got home. they want to diet with me and i said very honestly to them that my diet really doesnt consist of much food. surprisingly- they consented. i think they both really want to be skinny to save their marraige. i will always believe that maintaining a low weight in relationships solves about half of the problems...) lastly, i think im over the whole loss of a friend thing. im ready to come back in the spring and face him.
im not sure why i really wrote this whole blurb. im just typing for the fun of it... and secretly hoping my stupid space bar fixes its self during the process...
but its true... its good to have an end to journey towards...i guess mine this whole time has been home, as ive been anticipating the end of term, i kid you not, from the moment i set foot on campus in september. however, i think ive been part of a much bigger journey these past three months
a journey that has shown me that i do have friends. a journey that has helped me appreciate the new ones for fulfilling a roll in my life that i didnt know (or ever really expect) 20something year olds to fulfill.
while at the same time appreciating and still loving sosososo much, those old friends. those girls ill go home to next week, who ive been emailing back and forth all term, one of which i actually got an oppertunity to go and visit in thier own school.
a journey that has made me appreciate my family
a journey that has taught me that i can excel in the sciences, and that not all teachers in this ivy tower are so bad after all
a journey that has taught me to chill, for lack of better words
and finally, a journey that has taught me that with time, wounds can heal. no matter where they originate from.
p.s. im huge. this wasnt really a post on my weight but its bad. im going to eat very little, if anything at all this week as all i really need to be doing is studying, and free time will be spent posting. im on a serious mission to reach my goal weight during my three month break. ill probably post some sort of plan (that i will most likely break and shamelessly put aside for the most basic plan of just stop eating) on here at the end of the week after exams.
p.s.s i love you ladies.
|coming to the end of a road.|