Thursday, November 18, 2010

"her heart lived in no cherished secrets of its own...."

...,but in feelings which it longed to share with all the world" -george elliot

oh dear. this will be a long one. i apologize in advance for many things including: being so absent for so long, living to eat, forgetting my goals... unlike elliot's character,i want to keep everything inside, which is why i neglect to write but i need it. i need this blog to start feeling again, to have something tangible, where i can see my progress lest another slip up happen again.

i officially hate college. we are coming to the end of a semester and a lot has gone on.
come back to school was so different. i have never felt so removed. it felt like i was looking into a glass fish tank, observing all the fish swim by. i lost friends, made new ones. i am still very good friends with the girl i became best friends with over summer school, we'll just call her R.

when the the two of us came back we realized how solemn this campus is and how little it has to offer. we spent the first three weeks being bitter, and questioning ourselves and whether we both made the right decision to stop being friends with our best friends. the story behind that was simple. boy (my best friend) obsesses over girl (R's best friend). girl thinks boy is fat and ugly, and avoids any sort of interactions with him for our entire second year. meanwhile, girl pines for a boy to appreciate her and like her and finally, over summer school, gives into her desire...with boy. boy is elated, girl is disgusted, but hay, we all need to have sex sometime?

it sounds so simple. it should have been so simple. R and I became best friends as our two best friends began to date. one weekend the boy (the one who took me through the rabbits hole and back, nearly driving me insane), annoyed me to the point where all i wanted was solitude. R was the only of my friends to actively seek me out. naturally, i let R in. we spent soo much time together and our friendship really began to be. boy and girl became jealous that the attention was no longer and them, girl acts like a complete ass, and boy....well boy, says the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me in my life. needless to say, the friendship ended there.

fastfoward to now. R and i spend almost every waking moment together. shes beautiful and skinny, and sometimes i cant help but notice how beautiful she is. we always talk about lesbians in a funny way but our friendship is flirty in nature which is confusing/kindof a huge mindfuck. but she's in a veryveryvery committed relationship with a kid from the city. so really i've got to be crazy to even let my mind wander there.

my insomnia has kicked in because i got back on all my meds. i am ashamed to even tell you guys how i've been doing foodwise. ive felt nothing but bitterness and anger all term, and i took to emotional eating. i am a whoooping 141 lbs. recently my moodiness took a turn for the better. now i feel nothing, want nothing. except to be thin. that fire to loose weight has been gone all term long, but its back with a passion. im being sent home for next term and i am so excited to not eat and diet and work out all i want. my parents are even worse than me, so that even though my doctor complains, they turn a blind eye.

yesterday i started my "just don't eat until you feel faint" diet. i did well. R (who also struggles with eating issues) forced me to have a yoghurt. it was a 100 calories but i only had about 3 spoons. i don't want food in my mouth. i wish to never have to eat again. i thought these feelings of repulsion towards food were forever gone, but they are back and with full vengeance. last night was also the first night i smoked so much ganj but didn't have the munchies. i went through a pack of gum and kept smoking. left my friends place came back to mine, and a friend had a bowl packed, so naturally i smoked it with them. ganj has become my favorite pastime this term. not good. this, this blog should be my pastime so i can track my weight. i never feel like writing anymore because i feel numb to everything. i just want all of the fat to shed from my body. i want to be thin again. 

im giving myself until the end of march 2011

wouldn't it be nice to be so thin?

1 comment:

  1. Glad you're back. I missed your posts!!

    Good luck with your new goals. I knew you can do it! :-*