" Gum chewing's fine when it's once in a while.It stops you from smoking and brightens your smile..."

..."but it's repulsive, revoulting, and wrong--chewing and chewing all day long"
-Charlie and the Chocolate Factory


i want candy. real candy.  im sick and tired of gum.


....lollies
lifesavers......
......gummy bears
skittles.......
anyyyything fruity and sticky and bad for your teeth. 




i have never craved sugary sweets the way im craving them now.
i broke my fast today but i stayed well under 1000.
i had about 15 carrs water crackers 210 cals, a teaspoon(ish) of butter to go with them 102 cals, a serving of cheerios 110 cals, 2 tea cookies <130 cals, i guess? , and three starbursts, 60 cals. im so pathetic i even remember the colours, because that's how much i fucking wanted needed them :(
so today i had a grand total of 612 cals.
and the best part is...drumrollll please.....












i exercised. okok, i know. duh i should exercise. and believe me for a time in my life i did. i ran, and ran, and ran until i physically couldn't run anymore. 
well i mean i could, but i was a compulsive exerciser. i got a really bad case of shin splints, failed my freshman year of college, and got the rep of being a raging exercising bitch on top of the one for being the most likely to boot her food, and no not after a night of drinking, but a nice lunch in town. so i took a break sophomore year. i would exercise but i would not make myself. i restricted a lot and reached my lowest weight but there's always been something alluring and attractive to me about those girls who are super skinny but not so fleshy, its more they are so skinny you can see their muscles. 
i went on a bike ride. it couldn't have been more than 7(ish) miles. mostly up massive hills but it took me forever. i biked to the grocery store. i wanted to eat everything in sight, because i had only had crackers and cheerios before then. but i resisted. i got these tiny tea biscuits and some powerade. 




god clearly decided to let the sun shine on me today. im getting a new computer tomorrow. i think im going to start this modifined version of the abc. i dont want to type the whole thing out, but i figured id do myself good to eat a little and just fuck this fast thing. im tired of fucking up. this plan has a few days of fasting interwoven in it, which is great, but lets be real im not strong enough to go days and days and days. 




so this week (and even though i went a 100 over, im going to just say that today was the first day)
Sun: 500 [ todays grand total is 452] oh and weight at the end of the day was 131
Mon:500
Tues.: 300
Wed: 400
Thurs: 100
Friday: 200
Sat: fast, even though it says were allowed 300 cals.




the calorie calculator guessed that i burned around 160 cals with my exercise so i guess i fall right into the bracket for today. im going to be working out little by little everyday. nothing big maybe 30, 40 minutes, but i want to see change. and i know anything good requires hard work. its finally sunk in :|
speaking of hard work and good things, i had the premed talk with my dad today. while my situation is still dismal he made me feel a lot better. he reminded me that there are a lot of factors that go into med school decisions, and  that we would pay whatever amount in tutoring bucks get me help when i get back to uni. so im taking chemistry this year. its official. ill have no life. which is fine, at least ill be thin. i was also shamelessly encouraged when he let slip that hes on the faculty at a med school here in the district :) 


i must try and sleep tonight. my brother has a match early in the morning and after im going to get my new mac. itll be a shame if i cant even wake up on time for that because i spent the night awake twiddling my thumbs. im going to try and watch something super boring and see if i can doze off 

tiny and toned