trying the same thing over and over but expecting different results is

insane.
so im trying something different this time
i failed at blogging yesterday, and i failed at eating today
i read a lot but couldnt write in my own.
anyways this will be a quick post as i am utterly ashamed about my eating today
i ate literally from the moment i woke up and felt faint, and pretty much never stopped.
i should write out exactly what i had so i can be ashamed and never let it happen again but of course i dont really remember everything but ill give you guys a picture
1. half of a meat pie
2. one hash brown from mcdonalds
3. small waffle fries from chick-fil-e
3. 8 chicken nuggets from chick-fil-e
4. 2 donuts: one galzed, one strawberry frosted
5. 3 servings of chicken jambalya pasta from the cheesecake factory
6. 1 dinner roll with butter
7. 2 servings of mashed potatoes
8. and the bullet that killed it all...half of a slice of red fuckingvelvet cheesecake




wait thats actually what i had today. no cutting corners. no things left out.
i probably consumed upwards of 6,000 calories
i was doing so well until i fucked up.
i really want to freak out, but im not letting myself. im going to pick my jaw (and ass too at this point) off the floor and move on.
im trying to look at the brightside; for the past week ive been eating fine, in our standards, but probably like a toddler in reality
tomorrow ill fast and...

start this new workout called 90x. i got the videos today.
its a 90 day work out regime- 6 days a week; 1hourish a day
its really for men but ive read so many reviews so im going to go for it (i didnt work out yesterday even though i was scheduled to do so)
women typically see results but i think that they keep eating the same amount; ive heard by altering your diet, which lets be real, i dont need to alter that much, maybe include more veggies/fruits 
you get fantastic results


ill posts pictures tomorrow, and then a second round at the beginning of the second phase (day 30) and then at the beginning of the third phase (day 60) and obviously ill show you pictures on day 90 so we can judge for ourselves how well the program works

theres a lot to it but i think you hit almost every area of your body. ill probably cut out the yoga part (i really shouldnt, but honestly i can stretch on my own and the reviews say the trainer is kind of bad at it. ill replace that segment with running on my treadmill)

i was 136 yesterday, but im pretty sure im back to 140. im not going to peak until tomorrow morning. no point looking now since i know for a fact i probably ate about 10lbs worth of food today.

hoping to be toned and lean after these 90days of hell.
lets go. 

when in doubt, go to sleep

i spent the entire day with my highschool friends today
i have missed them dearly. one of my friends might actually be a real life GG and spent a good part of the day telling me mortifying stories about girls from the past. with a few being particularly interesting, and one about a past fling (i will have to talk about this tomorrow. im sure the news contributed to my sudden mood change)
i ate surprisingly well, but not well enough to not feel as awful as i do now
i had about 180 cals for breakfast with this random noodle thing i tried to make, didnt like it so i threw it away, i passed on the burrito at our local mexican place, but managed to let one of my friends shove a tiny taco my way...urg. it might have been anywhere from 120ish cals to 230ish cals.
where i did managed to royally fuck up was in the matter of holiday cookies.
damn those things.
i had about 4.5 servings, thats what, 600 fucking cals?!?
i am frustrated and very hungry, and dont have much to say other than i love my friends but i cannot and will not get fat while they are home.
i didn't work out today, and honestly i think im going to take my sorry ass to bed now. so not to eat the rest of the world.
today i weighed in at 138.

maybe next time i should pass on the holifuckingday "cheer" and grab my pack of camel lights instead

"He who seeks rest finds boredom"

-dylan thomas
who knew all those days that i spent bitching/longing to get home that once i arrived there would be absolutely.nothing.to.do.
so last night was fun
i guess my parents christmas party was more of a gathering but i enjoyed getting drunk with an old highschool friend
foodwise i ate maybe 4 tablespoons of rice and a fucking pork chop?!
today i did ok. i thought i would wake up feeling hungry as hell after a night of ETOH (as my dad likes to call it. science freak) but i didnt, which im happy about. instead i woke up and immediately went to pick my brother from another highschool exam.
i had a slice of thin crust cheese pizza--the website says its 210 cals, and then i had about half of another pork chop while feeding my little cousin
i dont have much to chat about, and im starting to feel bored. which is just too bad because im home till april.holyfuckingshit.
im going to africa in 2 weeks which is great, and i think california in january and dubai in march so i have these things to look forward to
since at the present moment im nowhere fancy but home, i think ill go work out my boredom.

wherever the fuck they are really looks quite pleasant.

addendum:

i worked out for about 29 minutes on the treadmill and burt 215 cals. woo. 

still bored.

i did say that i would write everything i consumed on this blog.

sooo in keeping with that
i caved and consumed a peperoni hot pocket.
it was 75% still cold but i had already waddled upstairs by the time i realized this and i am far to comfortable in my parents bed.
eek. i hope i dont get poisoning
i mean, ill totally deserve it for a. eating, pure toxin in the form of preserved food b. eating in general

i did rationalize that a. my diet pills (prescription, wooo for having an uncle in the pharmacy industry) only activate with a little food and b. if i eat now i wont eat later. which is always better.

i also am shameless. i found what i want for christmas.
these beautiful woven leather ballet flats by prada
my dad said no last night-rightly so. he found my other blue prada ballet flats that i just "had to have" a few christmas' ago shoved in the back of my closet, but the thing is the hurt like a bitch, but being the space cadet he is, left his screen up this morning and i spotted he went back to have a second look. yiiiiippppeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

i swear ill buy one size up so "pinched toes" arnt a reason to shove them in the closet!

"a living prismatic gem that changes its colour with every change of position . . ."

-w.h. hudson

so yesterday was a success. i managed to not cave and eat after my 5 tblspoons of basmati rice and chicken tikka tikka marsala.

tonight will be a huge test though. its my families holiday party and all sorts of lovely food from my heritage will be featured :(

i dont think ill have too much time to work out today. i mean technically, i could work out now as opposed to writing thing, but when have i ever chosen working out to be the priority?

today what ive had so far has been a bottle of mystic. i woke up hungry and honestly i forgot what it really feels like, so i chugged that before i could get my hands on the can of cinnamon buns. so i guess me-1 world of food-0. win. 

i took my brother to his highschool entrance exam today. im kind of nervous for him

ive grown really fond of him lately, i mean, not that i ever wasn't fond of him but ive really gotten to liking him as a friend.

i hope he does well. my dad and i had an interesting conversation on how important it is for him to get into a selective school. we think it'll give him the confidence he needs to excel in his academics.

for me, its always been there. i honestly had nothing better to do at his age other than to study and read, and honestly i love reading and learning.

he is an athlete so i guess the tables are turned in his case.

anyways back to the conversation. so recently ive been fantasizing about this fabulous life i plan on leading after i graduate: hopefully med school, residency, then finding my wealthy husband, and becoming a plastic surgeon and then settling in our fabulous townhouse in the city.

every so often its nice to come back to reality. i read an article in the post yesterday about how a family who makes 250K (usd) is considered wealthy but how at the end of the day all of the money is gone for various reasons (namely taxes, and the fact that these families in this income bracket get very few breaks). 

needless to say, my fantasies came to a glaring halt, as they usually do. and i realized i better get used to just having enough. which is really all one needs anyways. which brings me to my next question: what exactly is enough?

i feel like if i knew the concept of enough i wouldn't have these damned eating issues, or social anxieties to make connections with the "right people" or be so concerned with having my perfect little education (although i wont lie, i've shamelessly been parading it about in order to get an internship, apparently having to suffer for four years does have its benefits)  or have to  now freak out about being accepted into a top grad school. 

for the love of god, there are people out there with nothing to eat, and im over here being just so damned petty. 

sometimes i just want to pack up and move to a remote island and chill the fuck out. 

and then a new fantasy pops up, whether its being the skinniest in the room or being the most dapper mother at a country club. and so the struggle to perfection rages on. 

sorry about the ramble. sometimes i need to write what im thinking so i can see how absurd my thought process is. it helps in finding way to become normal again for once. 

current mood: pensive on the frivolous aspects of life. 

""To endure is greater than to dare; to tire out hostile fortune; to be daunted by no difficulty; to keep heart when all have lost it..."

-"who can say this is not greatness . . .William Thackeray
So im at it again. 
as usual.
but this time ive got almost four months to succeed.
my goal is to post everyday, what ive done. it'll be hard as im so bad with routines but ill try so i can see my progress
today:
2.8 mile run, 315 calories burned on the treadmill, 15 push ups, 30 situps, 10 leglifts 
intake so far: a cup of koolaid. and about 5 tablespoons of basmati rice with 2 piece of cubed chicken in tikka tikka marsala sauce. nooo need for anymore today. took an adderall. :| i was trying to ween myself off but im going to have to until i can go and pick up diet pills (possibly tomorrow?) i also had a mystic which is about 220 calories. total intake maybe 600ish
im so determined to reach 115 by March
currently 140, honestly have been here for way too long!




today i havent got much to do
just doing some errands for the father and then getting a christmas tree!
tomorrow is my family's christmas party. i plan on nursing a vodka tonic so its not as awkward when family members remark on how big ive gotten. 

...well that an a chloe paraty!

p.s-is it weird that i just started following myself. ha ha a testament to the amount of followers that i have. but in all seriousness, now i can read my blog how others read it. great for proofreading. oops. im shameless...

hohohohoommee!!

exams are OVER and i am finally home.
i have been gone for the week trying to salvage various grades, including design.
so excited to be back. it was worth all the all-nighters, and boring days in the library to be able to come here today and be able to ready everyones entries. many comments to come tonight. i need to frolic with the little man (aka my brother) for a bit but once i return home from taking him out ill be on here all night.
i seriously, seriously, seriously missed you all

“It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end.”

-LeGuin

i am writing this post finally back from break, and facing a week of hell studying for exams and working on presentations that i should have could have but didn't begin much, much earlier.
as the term comes to a close- this time next week the northeast will be about 350 miles behind me.
for all the complaining and whining ive done all academic term, id have to say this was one of the best
i can count the number of people friends i talked to the entire term, but the number of laughs or conversations that carried well into the night about anything and everything, are innumerable.
my space bar key is already messed up on my new macbook pro, my period is here and therefore, so are the bloody cramps that accompany it, and my room is in disarray but im ok with it all. 
i feel so torn.
on the one hand im ready to leave. honestly, im never really ever ready to be here of all places
but on the other its nice to know you have friends. for as far back as i can remember, i have always sought out friendship.
it would be a lie for me to say that my friendships in highschool were equally as mature or as fulfilling as those that i have (finally realized) i made right here in the university i detest. its always been me giving my all to friendships and really receiving very little in return. but dont get me wrong my girls from my single-sex catholic school will always be wonderful to me. they signify a time in my life that was characterized by wholesome, good fun- a kind of fun i yearned for almost the minute i stepped foot on campus and realized the complex emotions that follow nights of senseless drinking and foolhardy sexual encounters.
i dont have a group of girlfriends to take vodka shots with, while blasting the lastest "getting ready" music before going out, or to go to "girls nightout" dinners with, and for the first time since forever really, i dont care.
i am content with the 5 or so individuals that i have made strong relationships with-- all of them on a quite independent basis
while my sorority could offer me that group of girls to be that group of girls, i am finally ok with not participating and not being part of it.
i am a recluse to the point of getting social anxiety when i am put in situation where i must be social now, and that part is troubling, but its a small price to pay to not experience the anxiety i felt when i so desperately felt like i needed to fit in. i would be worried about having not only cute clothes, but the cutest clothes in a group of friends, and not only beeing skinny but the skinnest (dont get me wrong, i am planning a month long cabbage soup diet as we speak. i was able to break through to my parents when i got home. they want to diet with me and i said very honestly to them that my diet really doesnt consist of much food. surprisingly- they consented. i think they both really want to be skinny to save their marraige. i will always believe that maintaining a low weight in relationships solves about half of the problems...) lastly, i think im over the whole loss of a friend thing. im ready to come back in the spring and face him.
im not sure why i really wrote this whole blurb. im just typing for the fun of it... and secretly hoping my stupid space bar fixes its self during the process... 
but its true... its good to have an end to journey towards...i guess mine this whole time has been home, as ive been anticipating the end of term, i kid you not, from the moment i set foot on campus in september. however, i think ive been part of a much bigger journey these past three months
a journey that has shown me that i do have friends. a journey that has helped me appreciate the new ones for fulfilling a roll in my life that i didnt know (or ever really expect) 20something year olds to fulfill.
while at the same time appreciating and still loving sosososo much, those old friends. those girls ill go home to next week, who ive been emailing back and forth all term, one of which i actually got an oppertunity to go and visit in thier own school.
a journey that has made me appreciate my family
a journey that has taught me that i can excel in the sciences, and that not all teachers in this ivy tower are so bad after all
a journey that has taught me to chill, for lack of better words
and finally, a journey that has taught me that with time, wounds can heal. no matter where they originate from.


p.s. im huge. this wasnt really a post on my weight but its bad. im going to eat very little, if anything at all this week as all i really need to be doing is studying, and free time will be spent posting. im on a serious mission to reach my goal weight during my three month break. ill probably post some sort of plan (that i will most likely break and shamelessly put aside for the most basic plan of just stop eating) on here at the end of the week after exams.

p.s.s i love you ladies.

coming to the end of a road.

"thanksgiving is happy for who?? surely not for Pocahontas who got her land stolen by those smelly pilgrims"

- my aunt.

yeah, she said it.
its also not too happy for those trying to loose weight.
haha but in the spirit of things happy thanksgiving my loves! 
sorry i haven't been able to post. i am with my family in fl.
we didn't know how to connect to the internet the first few days until my brother informed me had learned to convert this current to that current and now we have something similar to internet haha. i cant complain though, i can connect to you ladies this way.
i hope everyone is keeping up well and doing better than i have in successfully evading turkey, pies, and greens.
cheers!

"The school is not quite deserted," said the Ghost. "A solitary child, neglected by his friends, is left there still."

- charles dickens

alone at last.
ive been at R's house for the past 3 days.
in fact im still here, but she's not. is it awful that i feel great that she's not in her own space?
eating like ive been on vacation- ive been going between 135 and 138 lbs. its odd. ill guess im on the high side now.
i cannot wait to be back home for the next term.
i can go hungry and noone will know.
its not even as though i couldnt be hungry with R. of course i could, i mean i am an adult, and she's no food saint herself.
but with friends comes food. its like the two go hand in hand. try as we might to avoid food, should one make a comment about being hungry, its only respectful for the other to suggest that we both go, and find something to nibble on.
when im home my brother can tell me he's hungry all he wants, and im not obligated under some mysterious "code of girl friendship" to have to acknowledge his statement, let alone join him in shoving food down my face.
i want to shed 40 lbs before i come back to school. originally i think my goals worked out to something like loosing, 30 lbs, but i want to do something dramatic.
i was looking at the fotos of one of my dearest friends. she is a year older than me  but in highschool she managed to loose about 75 lbs (50 of which she managed over the course of a summer), shes much much bigger now, shes gained all that back and then some but she made a statement the other night stuck. she said to me "even though the thought of not eating doesnt even resonate with me now, its so nice to know i have that skill, almost as if its in the back of my pocket." another blogger said that what we do is beautiful in a sense, and after hearing my friend say that i started to believe that it was. once i get home my posts probably wont be as interesting, but ill need an outlet because im going to try harder than i ever have to loose this weight. it'll almost be as if i reached in my back pocket and pulled out an old friend. 

im really quite ready to be thin. 

"If success is rare and slow, everybody knows how quick and easy ruin is."

-vanity fair


FUCK.
for lack of better words.
i totally soiled today.
it started off with a celebration lunch for my friend, then progressed to the munchies after 3 j's, and ended with a 99 cent cheeseburger from mcdonalds.
im so annoyed.
i was doing well, but i swear i think i have the shove food into yourself until you cant breath anymore syndrome after i mess up early in the day.
i skipped about every event i was invited to tonight. it was a combination of not wanting to see anyone and dreading alcohol calories. getting drunk takes so much these days, it just doesn't seem worth it.
the girls in my sorority house are being loud and shameless. i secretly want to tell them all to shutttuppp, your not skinny or pretty enough to make that kinda of noise or call that amount of attention to yourself. 
the reality is that even though that they arnt, they have the confidence. so i guess, yay go them. 
i think im going to fast tomorrow. my formal is coming up and im going with a completely random kid. yay. hes very tall and broad so ill look even smaller than normal. yippeeeee. 
ive been kind of naughty in the sense ive been leading on this grad student, i think he wrapped his mind around the game tonight after triple-texing me to come over with no response...ehhh.



p.s. R almost discovered my thinspo folder yesterday as she was trying to print out our harry potter (which was AMAZING btw) tickets. i was so anxious and she was so determined to get my printer/computer to work.

seriously using every last once of willpower to not vomit. fml. 

"Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence"

- edgar allen poe

alskjfalsdkfjasldkfjsdklfsdkf.
thats how i feel right now
i have so much to do/organize.
im going to see harry potter tonight and i should be so excited but instead im feeling so much angst
i feel like this term i've developed some sort of social anxiety disorder.
i avoid wherever people are, and have learned to seamlessly navigate my campus so that noone will spot me. people always ask if im active this term whenever they see me and for a while i was tempted to just say no.
since im suddenly stuck home for the winter i have to send out my resume to hosiptals around my hometown and pray a doctor will let me shadow them. i also had to send the most awkward email to the manager of the internship i had in the city.
foodwise im doing great. i havent eaten anything today and im not hungry. im going to the gym after my class (forgot to mention i went on a long run yesterday morning, as i said before, the fire is back)
my plan for today is to grab an odwalla or a bannana or some sort of protein before i hit the gym. nothing annoys me more than being sore and lightheaded. lightheaded i can deal with, but soreness....not so much. ill just have to sort out my life to distract me later when i get hungry. im supposed to go to dinner with some friends before harry potter but im going to say that my cavities are a bitch and i have a sore tooth. eh, whatever works. last night i couldnt sleep, but when i did, i kept dreaming about having thin, stick-like legs...

too bad it was just a dream. 

"her heart lived in no cherished secrets of its own...."

...,but in feelings which it longed to share with all the world" -george elliot

oh dear. this will be a long one. i apologize in advance for many things including: being so absent for so long, living to eat, forgetting my goals... unlike elliot's character,i want to keep everything inside, which is why i neglect to write but i need it. i need this blog to start feeling again, to have something tangible, where i can see my progress lest another slip up happen again.


i officially hate college. we are coming to the end of a semester and a lot has gone on.
come back to school was so different. i have never felt so removed. it felt like i was looking into a glass fish tank, observing all the fish swim by. i lost friends, made new ones. i am still very good friends with the girl i became best friends with over summer school, we'll just call her R.

when the the two of us came back we realized how solemn this campus is and how little it has to offer. we spent the first three weeks being bitter, and questioning ourselves and whether we both made the right decision to stop being friends with our best friends. the story behind that was simple. boy (my best friend) obsesses over girl (R's best friend). girl thinks boy is fat and ugly, and avoids any sort of interactions with him for our entire second year. meanwhile, girl pines for a boy to appreciate her and like her and finally, over summer school, gives into her desire...with boy. boy is elated, girl is disgusted, but hay, we all need to have sex sometime?

it sounds so simple. it should have been so simple. R and I became best friends as our two best friends began to date. one weekend the boy (the one who took me through the rabbits hole and back, nearly driving me insane), annoyed me to the point where all i wanted was solitude. R was the only of my friends to actively seek me out. naturally, i let R in. we spent soo much time together and our friendship really began to be. boy and girl became jealous that the attention was no longer and them, girl acts like a complete ass, and boy....well boy, says the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me in my life. needless to say, the friendship ended there.

fastfoward to now. R and i spend almost every waking moment together. shes beautiful and skinny, and sometimes i cant help but notice how beautiful she is. we always talk about lesbians in a funny way but our friendship is flirty in nature which is confusing/kindof a huge mindfuck. but she's in a veryveryvery committed relationship with a kid from the city. so really i've got to be crazy to even let my mind wander there.

my insomnia has kicked in because i got back on all my meds. i am ashamed to even tell you guys how i've been doing foodwise. ive felt nothing but bitterness and anger all term, and i took to emotional eating. i am a whoooping 141 lbs. recently my moodiness took a turn for the better. now i feel nothing, want nothing. except to be thin. that fire to loose weight has been gone all term long, but its back with a passion. im being sent home for next term and i am so excited to not eat and diet and work out all i want. my parents are even worse than me, so that even though my doctor complains, they turn a blind eye.


yesterday i started my "just don't eat until you feel faint" diet. i did well. R (who also struggles with eating issues) forced me to have a yoghurt. it was a 100 calories but i only had about 3 spoons. i don't want food in my mouth. i wish to never have to eat again. i thought these feelings of repulsion towards food were forever gone, but they are back and with full vengeance. last night was also the first night i smoked so much ganj but didn't have the munchies. i went through a pack of gum and kept smoking. left my friends place came back to mine, and a friend had a bowl packed, so naturally i smoked it with them. ganj has become my favorite pastime this term. not good. this, this blog should be my pastime so i can track my weight. i never feel like writing anymore because i feel numb to everything. i just want all of the fat to shed from my body. i want to be thin again. 


[goals]new
[]135
[]130
[]127
[]124
[]120
[]117
[]113
[]110
im giving myself until the end of march 2011

wouldn't it be nice to be so thin?

tbc

140.
thats how huge ive managed to get.
restarting restricting today. i want to be 125 by the end of the month.
more to come.

"we are all mad here"

baaahhhh.
my parents discovered the blog, so i had to take a hiatus for a bit.
ive been back at school for about a week (yay. not). and im already to go back home
food wise ive been ok, peoplewise, i still dislike 99% of the population here.
ugh someone savemeeee.
i went to the doctors yesterday and she found ketones in my urine. she says its my body attacking itself. funnily enough, i dont think i had fasted for more than 2 days by the time i got to her.
i got in a HUGE fight .2% of the 1% of people i actually like here. it was awkward. they pegged all of my boy problems on body issues. well that was a no brainer? on the flip side, they did say i had the nicest body they've  seen. well duh. cut out food, and i hope by now people can at least bear to look at my body.
did i mention i was ready to go home?
classes are ok. in fact they are better than ok. im back in the premed swing, but o.m.g if someone had told me i would need all of that worthless bullshit i learned in my 7th grade geometry class...boy would i have done things a lot differently.
adkljfsdlk i miss reading everyones blog. im so glad to be back, and even more glad that my leave of absence wasn't as long as it could have been. bahhhh spending all of tomorrow after my physics test reading all you lovely ladies blogs, writing back. i hope everyones been ok, and nothing tragic has happened, for you guys are my vox clamantis.

someone get me the fuckouttahere

"500days of Fall"

hellowhellow!
sorry ive been so mia the past three days
i took an impromptu trip to the city yesterday and then passed out right when i got back
foodwise ive been doing ok.
monday, tuesday: i know i had under a 1000 both days i dont quite remember the little things. i did exercise and burn about 250cals on mondayy.
today: i had a serving of wild rice (310 cals, if not way less b/c i made it without the margarine and subsituted a little olive oil) and 6 chicken nuggets (180). im at about 490 cals for today and im not eating anything else. i ran for about 50 minutes and burned appx 350 cals. when i drop my brother off at futbol ill go on an hour long walk while he practices.
this is a short post but i think my new goal is: 500 calories or below everyday for fall. 
ill update on more lifematters later today.

im really going to have to fall in love with coffee to stay under 500 but it'll be so worth it. 

" Gum chewing's fine when it's once in a while.It stops you from smoking and brightens your smile..."

..."but it's repulsive, revoulting, and wrong--chewing and chewing all day long"
-Charlie and the Chocolate Factory


i want candy. real candy.  im sick and tired of gum.


....lollies
lifesavers......
......gummy bears
skittles.......
anyyyything fruity and sticky and bad for your teeth. 




i have never craved sugary sweets the way im craving them now.
i broke my fast today but i stayed well under 1000.
i had about 15 carrs water crackers 210 cals, a teaspoon(ish) of butter to go with them 102 cals, a serving of cheerios 110 cals, 2 tea cookies <130 cals, i guess? , and three starbursts, 60 cals. im so pathetic i even remember the colours, because that's how much i fucking wanted needed them :(
so today i had a grand total of 612 cals.
and the best part is...drumrollll please.....












i exercised. okok, i know. duh i should exercise. and believe me for a time in my life i did. i ran, and ran, and ran until i physically couldn't run anymore. 
well i mean i could, but i was a compulsive exerciser. i got a really bad case of shin splints, failed my freshman year of college, and got the rep of being a raging exercising bitch on top of the one for being the most likely to boot her food, and no not after a night of drinking, but a nice lunch in town. so i took a break sophomore year. i would exercise but i would not make myself. i restricted a lot and reached my lowest weight but there's always been something alluring and attractive to me about those girls who are super skinny but not so fleshy, its more they are so skinny you can see their muscles. 
i went on a bike ride. it couldn't have been more than 7(ish) miles. mostly up massive hills but it took me forever. i biked to the grocery store. i wanted to eat everything in sight, because i had only had crackers and cheerios before then. but i resisted. i got these tiny tea biscuits and some powerade. 




god clearly decided to let the sun shine on me today. im getting a new computer tomorrow. i think im going to start this modifined version of the abc. i dont want to type the whole thing out, but i figured id do myself good to eat a little and just fuck this fast thing. im tired of fucking up. this plan has a few days of fasting interwoven in it, which is great, but lets be real im not strong enough to go days and days and days. 




so this week (and even though i went a 100 over, im going to just say that today was the first day)
Sun: 500 [ todays grand total is 452] oh and weight at the end of the day was 131
Mon:500
Tues.: 300
Wed: 400
Thurs: 100
Friday: 200
Sat: fast, even though it says were allowed 300 cals.




the calorie calculator guessed that i burned around 160 cals with my exercise so i guess i fall right into the bracket for today. im going to be working out little by little everyday. nothing big maybe 30, 40 minutes, but i want to see change. and i know anything good requires hard work. its finally sunk in :|
speaking of hard work and good things, i had the premed talk with my dad today. while my situation is still dismal he made me feel a lot better. he reminded me that there are a lot of factors that go into med school decisions, and  that we would pay whatever amount in tutoring bucks get me help when i get back to uni. so im taking chemistry this year. its official. ill have no life. which is fine, at least ill be thin. i was also shamelessly encouraged when he let slip that hes on the faculty at a med school here in the district :) 


i must try and sleep tonight. my brother has a match early in the morning and after im going to get my new mac. itll be a shame if i cant even wake up on time for that because i spent the night awake twiddling my thumbs. im going to try and watch something super boring and see if i can doze off 

tiny and toned

"Tis a lesson you should heed: If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

- A Teachers Manual, Thomas H. Palmer

i fuckedd up my fast.
big surprise there.
i freakkked at some point in the early morning because my paper which thank god, is finally done and over was not going anywhere, i was past the point of caring, and i misinterpreted my spliting headache with hunger when in reality it was me coming to realize i was writing a paper with no direction.
anyways im re-starting my fast today. i want to be discouraged and just be like fuck it, but something keeps driving me to persevere.
today was embarrassing though. i started off with cheerios and guda cheese and carrs crackers.
all hell broke loose when my brother returned from his match with gummy lifesavers. i caught myself, took a deep breath and happened to fucking exhale INHALE disgusting amounts of chinese food. i had 3 steamed pork dumplings (duh!) and a shitton of chicken and broccoli. thankfully i managed to catch myself before burying my head into the mound of rice at least i did something right?


ive been sipping on diet coke for the past 2 hours though. i watched charlie and the chocolate factory and started cant buy me love until i decided it was time to face reality and take pictures of my body and inspect.
well for one thing im fat but you guys already knew that.
what i did discover is that im having  sick reaction to mosquito bites all up and down my butt. cute. not.
i will post a picture of myself, well of my body. it would be to my disadvantage, and to your misfortune to have to not only bear my 20 ton body, but also my face.
read: im a stinking coward, but i want a job in the coming years. 
blah i feel like i had so much to say but ive already forgotten it all. be prepared to read blogs about nothing. literally. for the next 15(ish) days until i return to uni and have something interesting, or in my mind, tragic to share.

problem areas: femur, gluteus maximus, stomachus, medius, and the most fucked up of all:cerebrum

"Sorrow can be alleviated by good sleep, a bath and a glass of wine”

- St. Thomas Aquinas

ohhh hahaha, i remember the days as a young catholic school girl frequenting the Aquinas house...back when things were still simple and good.
i promised id post when i got tempted and boy did i get tempted.
what i did instead what jump into the shower. i shaved. washed my hair. my face. everything.
im a little less hungry, but i realize the reason that this is so difficult is because i still need to finish up this dreaded paper. i dont know how i do it in school. actually i do. when im on my best behavior i go to the library right after class and get my assignments done because i know that i wont eat later read: i wont have the mental capacity to string two words together or solve x amount of calculus problems. 
i forgot about those good things that come with control. hunger. goood grades. 
speaking of which my dad tried to have a premed conversation today. i didnt let it go very far, in fact when it got in the heat of things i reminded him i need a new computer and was promised a new macbook pro! and that i want, nope not need, but desperately want new oxford shoes for the fall and these beautiful skinny black current/elliot corderious.
the good thing about having a clueless vain dad: he actually believes me when i say that jeans make  the gal. he also shamelessly feeds into my obsession for fashion and knows that i look fat in paige denim and that true religions do miracles for the ass i inherited from my mum. go him for being a pseudo woman.
back to the paper. now i just want to submit whatever. my professor emailed me telling me not to rush...dont rush!? are you fucking kidding me. i would do anything to be done.... well almost anything, short of actually just writing it.
i swear the next time on on here ill be DONE. and we will never hear of this paper again. amen.

it would be so rad to come out of the shower looking like this...skinniness, cig, and all

"In reality they all lived in a kind of hieroglyphic world, where the real thing was never said or done or even thought"

- Age of Innocence


gahhh so im finally on a roll!
i have had a total of 5 cans of diet cola, 3 camel cigs (oops), and 2 pieces of gum
thats all im having today. p.s. its actually around 8 even though blogger says otherwise ahaha
i said no to subway. no to hamburger helper. yes to thin. fina-fucking-ly.


the paper still isnt done. big surprise there. but what is a surprise is that im 133.5  its all water weight i know but its so encouraging to see the numbers go down.

every time i got hungry i thought about all of you who go days without eating because a little fast ain't never hurt nobody but fat sure did.

wooo! on such a good high. hopefully i keep it up tomorrow. i will. i must.
going back to this never ending paper that has proven to be a colossal pain in the ASS.

i'm going to hunt down ganja when i finish. it'll be my reward. luckily for me i dont get himunchies anymore, or maybe i do but i've been doing it so long/often that i've learned to ignore it. 


any suggestions for my leisure read that i can officially start after submitting this load of bull??

say no to drugs food.

" lets start at the very beginning.."

...a very good place to start

-Maria

i hate starting papers. 

there's nothing more that i hate than starting a paper, well maybe being fat 

ive got a 10 pages of academic scholarly work bullshit to submit in about 12 hours

and zero research and negative number of words written down

the only motivation i have to start is that when im done i can focus on loosing weight for the next 3 weeks before i got back to school hell. 

ive eaten far more than humanly possible for someone my size. i took pictures of my self in the nude today

i was curious.

and i am as fat as i thought id be

well not really but honestly until im like the waif below, i will consider myself fat. fat. fat.

i cant wait to email this paper in and just start dieting. i took some adderall like an hour ago.

i get soo uncomfortably high when i go on adderall binges, but in reality i smoke so much ganja that trying to live my life in a sober state is useless. 

what a shame.

i got on the scale before my adderall and i hit 135

                                                                                                135

                                                                        135

                                    135

                                    135

there's absolutely no excuse for this fuckery. it needs to end. im actually going on a fast from today. till my parents come back from their drunken weekend downdown south. i have no excuses. god has practically shoved a fast in my path. i better take the opportunity while its here. for the next 4 days im going to subside on the 4 boxes of diet coke my mum brought home for me, orbit, and my camels. ill try and post my progress throughout this weekend. but first things first, as maria so kindly instructed us, is to finish this paper. i think im going to write out all the quotes then explicate read: write what i know my asshole professor already informed me she wanted to hear [to pass] in a paper thats supposed to be mine. 

i realize wishing i was as thin as you isn't going to write my paper for me....but it sure is going to make me  stop eating.

p.s. i realize i went back and edited this post. i know its not the fucking MLA handbook for english or anything, but i am slightly ocd. and naturally its in the things that dont have any bearing on my grades. 

"I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see."

-Alice in Wonderland

oh dear. i have so much work to do and so little time motivation.
1. loose all the weight ive gained back
2. loose all the weight ive gained back
3. loose all the weight ive gained back
4. finall paper
5. loose all the weight ive gained back
6. loose all the weight ive gained back
7. loose all the weight ive gained back

i wanted to fast, but its like i have such little self control. i dont even want to go over the foods ive binged on the past 6 days. i think i might cry. i havent gained that much back, 5 lbs to be exact, but i definitely have seen 130 again and it sucks. strange how you forget about all those things that seemed so dismal and totally life shaking, yeah right when you suddenly become a big.fucking.whale.
im getting back on diet supplements today. i love to pretend that adderall, xanax, tenuate ect ect ect and other shit that cant be any good for your body are not my best only friends but i freak when i stop taking them. the worst part about it is that im going back on the premed track again i shamelessly relish the idea of being able to prescribe myself my own little treats at some point in my life. i also just spent that past 2 hours looking up the forbes most wealthy. this would be the first indication that i will never, ever be wealthy. that and i just dont care. i want to be a doctor so i can peace the fuck out of the u.s, no necessarily to be able to buy the whole damn country. as soon as i finish this last paper i can relax and fast. im hoping i finish tonight by hoping i mean, i fucking have to...its due on friday.

through the looking glass, you see yourself as you are. fat.

"the sky might fall"

...but im not worried at all
-kid cudi


bahh sorry i havent posted in a while. i just finished summer school...except for those 2 essays i just decided to not do until i got home...ooops.

so i had the best talk with my dad,who usually sucks, for more reasons that i think appropriate to spill to the loyal readers and internet companions, but it was good. there's something refreshing about coming home. and something even better about parents.

i have so much to say and fill in, but i think my past intake for the last 3 days is good.
finals suck and i eat a lot.

friday- gross.
saturday-worse
sunday- abomination.

haha so to fix all my fuck ups, and the fact that im 130...AGAIN...i think ill go on a 4 days fast. one day for every fuck up and a 4th so i can remember how much it sucks to regain weight and not let it happen again.

for the next 4 days. 

"nothing retained its shape, one thing obstructed another"

- ovid, metamorphoses.


he is talking about chaos, and this is exactly what i feel right now while i study for my finals. i always wait till its too late to start studying...i mean i did it all through highschool and i ended up in the ivytower... unfortunately old habits die hard.

but not so unfortunately. i would be fat by now if they did. but really fat..
today my friend said i had been looking really skinny the past week. i smiled
thats probably the highlight of my day. well that and for the first time all summer since i gained all my weight back, did i see a nice number below 130...im ashamed that 128 is a number to be proud of, it makes the old me look like a whale.

i didn't post yesterday because i was stuck at the library studying all night long. i only had 1 chicken tender, 6 ritz crackers, and a piece of cheese yesterday.yay. today i wasn't as good. i had 3 dumplings, and a little chicken and broccoli. on the bright side i didn't touch my rice, and its almost time for me to go home and sleep so i guess thats all i'm having.

i've taken to drinking MASSIVE amounts of tea. its great. it keeps me focused..in more ways than one.


my ex texted me last night asking if he could come visit and if id ever date him again.
he asked in the most annoying fashion though, "so, uh, you wouldn't ever date me again,right?"
why people ask questions when they know the answer is beyond me. i used to do it growing up, but my parents promptly disciplined that bad habit out of me.

i have been seeing/talking with The Boy lately. not in an exciting way. just in a, hey were friends way. it sucks. i saw the girl that currently has his eyes...ooops, i mean heart.....she's not as tiny as i remembered but it still sucks. however, she's got a beautiful face. 


i'm so ready to be over boys and caring, but its so hard to learn how to be actually alone again. i never let that happen after my ex, id hop from boy to boy, but i think i need to just let my emotions just run their course. its so frustrating though, whose supposed to entertain me?
this mission does seem appealing though....i mean it must, what kind of crazy would willingly learn to love to be alone...
1. the first benefit is ill have more time to dwell on my weight and getting skinny
2. i have a new appreciation for girl friends
3. i can think clearly...now that the emotions are gone...i hope.
4. remember the times when we were younger and not so crazy, and the simple things in life like reading books on a friday night, watching tv on a rainy afternoon actually was sufficient entertainment.



i feel like with boys in my life (whether were hooking up, dating, just "talking" ect) my mind is always consumed...why hasn't boyX emailed me back, oh, fuck and what about boyZ he still hasn't texted me about coffee, ooo and goddamnit boy Y isn't being funny/nice enough in these chats...ugh give me a fucking break. i should be able to go the day without having to talk to a boy, just for the benefit of knowing im on some kids mind or that i caught his attention for the second.

i want to be thin. and i want the coolest, most beautiful boy to just tumble my way, and not even care. at that point i know i'm ready to start seeing/talking with romantic intentions. until then i must mind myself. love my friends and family the best i can. get THIN...oh fuck, and pass these exams...back to studying :(

nerdy and skinny, sooo hot right now. 

"I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had"

- the wonderyears

i hate to make this such a sad posts, but i guess you write what you feel.
i started off the day with ambition and drive, and apparently my confidence could be felt.
i have none of that left. and its funny because the person who spotted it successfully managed to make it disappear.
i took a smoke break after hours of crunching away in the library with The Boy.
we haven't spoken in ages, and everytime we do i learn something more...something new...something sad.
usually it makes me sad for him, not for myself, as my woes are certainly not as paramount as hisown.
today, however, was my turn to be sad from what was learnt

he informed me he was in love. thats wonderful! i didnt know you were capable of feelings....i was right.
he was in fact, in love, but not with me. duh silly girl, boys never love you, but fear not...
the girl he loves, does not love him back. in fact, shes happily settled with her boyfriend of years.
we had an interesting conversation. you know when you give advice to someone and your really giving it to yourself, and while your doing it your willing yourself not to show any sign of subjectivity?

and she's perfect. she's little....really little. ofcourse. and so pretty. and awesome, and cool, and fantastic, and all the things i apparently am not, as he listed the reasons he liked her and not me. well atleast today he gave a valid excuse. 


i was so sad on my drive back home from the library. writing has helped me feel a little better. i want to cry. and i dont think its because i realize that he and i will only ever be friends...which apparently i should be quite grateful for because he never.has.girl.friends.

im sad because i have no one to care for and none to care for me.
thankfully i only ate rice cakes and lollipops today.
i want to purge to relieve stress...but ive got nothing to work with.
i miss the days my weight consumed my thoughts and actions and left me immune to cares or worries...and also without friends...and as sick as it is, i think i want to get back to that point. everyone disappoints me, just as i disappoint everyone. i always manage to live up to that raving bitch standard that has been set for myself.

...in letting go, and being thin

"she does not employ her time in making herself look more advantageously what she really is"

...but endeavours to be as much another creature as she possibly can.
-Joseph addison.

the next few days are going to be one long day. there are about a million and one other things that should be going through my mind other than my weight, but then that would make things normal.
i hate apologizing, but this summer, for all its downfalls and upsets, granted me 2 new good friends.

i got in a fight with one of them last week over something stupid, and when i actually think of it, i do not think i was all that angry with her, but more so with the situation.

we kissed and made up, for lack of a better explanation and then sat at our favorite...haha..i mean only Chinese restaurant in nowhere, USA and enjoyed steamed dumplings. i had 4 and 2 camels. ooops.

its raining and dark outside, and the boy ive been pinning over for the past few days hasn't responded to my apology email. its probably for the best though because i think hearing bad news is more often than not, worse than thinking bad news.

i wish i was done with finals. i have about a million books i want to read and a thousand shops i want to visit, oh , and zero money to buy anything.

i bought myself the largest diet tea and about 5 lollipops. im hoping in addition to my adderrall it carries me through a total of 3 papers, 2 works cited, and about 4 class responses and reflections...all within the next 24 hours.


procrastination will be my demise.



that is if food doesnt get me first. im becoming an overfed whale. hoped on the scale after the shower..131. ehhh.

i want to be this tiny, in nicely torn black skinnies for the fall...i suppose i will literally need to become another creature to get there 

"I wasn’t meant to be good."

i cant believe i've started blogging again.
it all feels so weird and distant, but i remember it used to help.
i'm coming to the close of summer session and i couldn't be more excited.
i've become a whale and everything is falling apart.
its funny because the "disordered" past was so much happier and simpler.
i almost feel silly writing again and going back to old habits, but i want to trace back where things went wrong...figure out how things got so unfortunate.
i've got about a million pages to write for finals, so the posts in the next week will be pretty short, but once i'm home ill be alone [finally, and the real type too, not the one where your surrounded by a million people everywhere all waiting for you to fail] and i can finally listen to myself and figure things out.
i wonder when everything will make sense again.


what a shame though that normal things couldn't be good.