day 1

of a protein shake for lunch and breakfast and a small low carb meal for dinner also tomorrow i start p90x!!

i wanted to start today but like an idiot i took an adderall this morning even though i really didnt need it but my parents wanted me to clean up and i wasnt in the mood?


did pretty good with my shake. it tastes actually REVOLTING. but i drank the whole thing for breakfast. i skipped the lunch shake. and then had a 260 cal pasta premade dinner.


gahhhhhh ive been gone for so long. when i got back home i was in a frenzy with my job, but ive finally settled and im back!

TIA

this is africa
my loves!
compliments of the season/happy new years and everything ive missed!!
ive been in europe/africa for the past 20 days with no internet, so this was my first chance to say hi.
i miss reading everyones blogs but i will be home next week and i cannot wait!!
i have a lotttt of updates and i cant wait to read everything that people have written.
hope everyone is well

dear followers, you are the loyal(est). love you all and i will be back in full force next week once i get HOME!!

trying the same thing over and over but expecting different results is

insane.
so im trying something different this time
i failed at blogging yesterday, and i failed at eating today
i read a lot but couldnt write in my own.
anyways this will be a quick post as i am utterly ashamed about my eating today
i ate literally from the moment i woke up and felt faint, and pretty much never stopped.
i should write out exactly what i had so i can be ashamed and never let it happen again but of course i dont really remember everything but ill give you guys a picture
1. half of a meat pie
2. one hash brown from mcdonalds
3. small waffle fries from chick-fil-e
3. 8 chicken nuggets from chick-fil-e
4. 2 donuts: one galzed, one strawberry frosted
5. 3 servings of chicken jambalya pasta from the cheesecake factory
6. 1 dinner roll with butter
7. 2 servings of mashed potatoes
8. and the bullet that killed it all...half of a slice of red fuckingvelvet cheesecake




wait thats actually what i had today. no cutting corners. no things left out.
i probably consumed upwards of 6,000 calories
i was doing so well until i fucked up.
i really want to freak out, but im not letting myself. im going to pick my jaw (and ass too at this point) off the floor and move on.
im trying to look at the brightside; for the past week ive been eating fine, in our standards, but probably like a toddler in reality
tomorrow ill fast and...

start this new workout called 90x. i got the videos today.
its a 90 day work out regime- 6 days a week; 1hourish a day
its really for men but ive read so many reviews so im going to go for it (i didnt work out yesterday even though i was scheduled to do so)
women typically see results but i think that they keep eating the same amount; ive heard by altering your diet, which lets be real, i dont need to alter that much, maybe include more veggies/fruits 
you get fantastic results


ill posts pictures tomorrow, and then a second round at the beginning of the second phase (day 30) and then at the beginning of the third phase (day 60) and obviously ill show you pictures on day 90 so we can judge for ourselves how well the program works

theres a lot to it but i think you hit almost every area of your body. ill probably cut out the yoga part (i really shouldnt, but honestly i can stretch on my own and the reviews say the trainer is kind of bad at it. ill replace that segment with running on my treadmill)

i was 136 yesterday, but im pretty sure im back to 140. im not going to peak until tomorrow morning. no point looking now since i know for a fact i probably ate about 10lbs worth of food today.

hoping to be toned and lean after these 90days of hell.
lets go. 

when in doubt, go to sleep

i spent the entire day with my highschool friends today
i have missed them dearly. one of my friends might actually be a real life GG and spent a good part of the day telling me mortifying stories about girls from the past. with a few being particularly interesting, and one about a past fling (i will have to talk about this tomorrow. im sure the news contributed to my sudden mood change)
i ate surprisingly well, but not well enough to not feel as awful as i do now
i had about 180 cals for breakfast with this random noodle thing i tried to make, didnt like it so i threw it away, i passed on the burrito at our local mexican place, but managed to let one of my friends shove a tiny taco my way...urg. it might have been anywhere from 120ish cals to 230ish cals.
where i did managed to royally fuck up was in the matter of holiday cookies.
damn those things.
i had about 4.5 servings, thats what, 600 fucking cals?!?
i am frustrated and very hungry, and dont have much to say other than i love my friends but i cannot and will not get fat while they are home.
i didn't work out today, and honestly i think im going to take my sorry ass to bed now. so not to eat the rest of the world.
today i weighed in at 138.

maybe next time i should pass on the holifuckingday "cheer" and grab my pack of camel lights instead

"He who seeks rest finds boredom"

-dylan thomas
who knew all those days that i spent bitching/longing to get home that once i arrived there would be absolutely.nothing.to.do.
so last night was fun
i guess my parents christmas party was more of a gathering but i enjoyed getting drunk with an old highschool friend
foodwise i ate maybe 4 tablespoons of rice and a fucking pork chop?!
today i did ok. i thought i would wake up feeling hungry as hell after a night of ETOH (as my dad likes to call it. science freak) but i didnt, which im happy about. instead i woke up and immediately went to pick my brother from another highschool exam.
i had a slice of thin crust cheese pizza--the website says its 210 cals, and then i had about half of another pork chop while feeding my little cousin
i dont have much to chat about, and im starting to feel bored. which is just too bad because im home till april.holyfuckingshit.
im going to africa in 2 weeks which is great, and i think california in january and dubai in march so i have these things to look forward to
since at the present moment im nowhere fancy but home, i think ill go work out my boredom.

wherever the fuck they are really looks quite pleasant.

addendum:

i worked out for about 29 minutes on the treadmill and burt 215 cals. woo. 

still bored.

i did say that i would write everything i consumed on this blog.

sooo in keeping with that
i caved and consumed a peperoni hot pocket.
it was 75% still cold but i had already waddled upstairs by the time i realized this and i am far to comfortable in my parents bed.
eek. i hope i dont get poisoning
i mean, ill totally deserve it for a. eating, pure toxin in the form of preserved food b. eating in general

i did rationalize that a. my diet pills (prescription, wooo for having an uncle in the pharmacy industry) only activate with a little food and b. if i eat now i wont eat later. which is always better.

i also am shameless. i found what i want for christmas.
these beautiful woven leather ballet flats by prada
my dad said no last night-rightly so. he found my other blue prada ballet flats that i just "had to have" a few christmas' ago shoved in the back of my closet, but the thing is the hurt like a bitch, but being the space cadet he is, left his screen up this morning and i spotted he went back to have a second look. yiiiiippppeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

i swear ill buy one size up so "pinched toes" arnt a reason to shove them in the closet!

"a living prismatic gem that changes its colour with every change of position . . ."

-w.h. hudson

so yesterday was a success. i managed to not cave and eat after my 5 tblspoons of basmati rice and chicken tikka tikka marsala.

tonight will be a huge test though. its my families holiday party and all sorts of lovely food from my heritage will be featured :(

i dont think ill have too much time to work out today. i mean technically, i could work out now as opposed to writing thing, but when have i ever chosen working out to be the priority?

today what ive had so far has been a bottle of mystic. i woke up hungry and honestly i forgot what it really feels like, so i chugged that before i could get my hands on the can of cinnamon buns. so i guess me-1 world of food-0. win. 

i took my brother to his highschool entrance exam today. im kind of nervous for him

ive grown really fond of him lately, i mean, not that i ever wasn't fond of him but ive really gotten to liking him as a friend.

i hope he does well. my dad and i had an interesting conversation on how important it is for him to get into a selective school. we think it'll give him the confidence he needs to excel in his academics.

for me, its always been there. i honestly had nothing better to do at his age other than to study and read, and honestly i love reading and learning.

he is an athlete so i guess the tables are turned in his case.

anyways back to the conversation. so recently ive been fantasizing about this fabulous life i plan on leading after i graduate: hopefully med school, residency, then finding my wealthy husband, and becoming a plastic surgeon and then settling in our fabulous townhouse in the city.

every so often its nice to come back to reality. i read an article in the post yesterday about how a family who makes 250K (usd) is considered wealthy but how at the end of the day all of the money is gone for various reasons (namely taxes, and the fact that these families in this income bracket get very few breaks). 

needless to say, my fantasies came to a glaring halt, as they usually do. and i realized i better get used to just having enough. which is really all one needs anyways. which brings me to my next question: what exactly is enough?

i feel like if i knew the concept of enough i wouldn't have these damned eating issues, or social anxieties to make connections with the "right people" or be so concerned with having my perfect little education (although i wont lie, i've shamelessly been parading it about in order to get an internship, apparently having to suffer for four years does have its benefits)  or have to  now freak out about being accepted into a top grad school. 

for the love of god, there are people out there with nothing to eat, and im over here being just so damned petty. 

sometimes i just want to pack up and move to a remote island and chill the fuck out. 

and then a new fantasy pops up, whether its being the skinniest in the room or being the most dapper mother at a country club. and so the struggle to perfection rages on. 

sorry about the ramble. sometimes i need to write what im thinking so i can see how absurd my thought process is. it helps in finding way to become normal again for once. 

current mood: pensive on the frivolous aspects of life.